The One That Was grabbed her, and sat her down sandwiched between The One That Is and The One That Was, to deplore the bad news:
That’ll never come back.
You have no idea. How hard I’ve tried. To kick sadness out of my way and dive into happiness. . . Let me be happy for you. I am, I’m sorry if I cannot show it like most can. When you know what you are meant to do but cannot find the strength or willpower to do it. I will admit I’ve suffered from being depressed, I’ve suffered behind a bar ally with sadness and so many tears and I’ve suffered from love that burned me down. I’ve been building a “better me” ever since but some may get perturbed and say I’ve never suffered. To suffer is to experience or be subjected to (something bad)
So we have all suffered in our own ways.
You more than me
Lately I’ve been having panic attacks, something newer for me.
I don’t know how to deal with it, yet.
My heart still hearts from something that happened to me in the past, sometimes I wonder if this fear that I let escape from me is the answer to my internal problem. On the outside, I am doing great. On the inside my heart rate rises at night.
So I suffer.
not all the time.
When I am lonely I start to move and fidget beyond belief. I fidget when I’m near people but still feel lonely.
Today I reminded myself that keeping busy is important. So I kept busy today. We’ll see how tomorrow treats me.
But more importantly, I’d like to share, I take photos when I’m lonely the most.
Somehow it keeps me more company than any person could.
“I drove to the coast for a glass of water. After crying through the night from listening and hearing and spitting up my past. Though it may be impotent, it makes life leave faster. I don’t want to fill a spot, when they have others to go to when they need to fill a hole. I’d rather watch my hole wither and bend on it’s own. And maybe that’s why I drove to the ocean for the first time alone today, to think of more than one. I’m not allowed to understand others. There’s nothing until you accept others and everything they’ve been. I don’t want to fall in love again.
I’m still out here.”
Ever since moving to Portland I have been struggling with moving on, guh, I hate bringing it up but I’m sure I am not the only person studying this. I left my hometown when I was 23, and I wonder if I should have gotten out sooner. I think I should have but there’s nothing that can change the timing of when I did. I left when I was no longer needed– or felt needed that is. I started to wander I did a neat little road trip that was leaving every weekend for a whole month. It was exciting and it felt like I was running in the right directions rather than away from problems. I went to Portland and down to California, Sacramento and then Chico to visit a friend I’ve had ever since AIM was a thing. . and then again back up to Portland. Through all this driving I noticed, I love the act of moving, I like the idea of going in a direction, I am a moving part. I ended up moving to Portland in 2014. I love it up here. It’s nice. I wish the sun lived here though.
I have a lot of sad things to say that I may end up posting, if you are looking for happy things, hey, I’ll post those too . . . But remember I am human and so are you. It’s okay to feel sadness and it’s okay to be happy. As long as you are.
Anyway, I ended up at Cannon Beach on the day I drove to the coast alone. I hope to drive to the coast again by myself one day. It’s a good ‘me day’, I recommend it. Still tagging along with me was my Voigtlander, and here I was just looking for something to make me kinda happy for the day, the water was nice, it was kinda warm out. I used the little cute self timer that the camera has on it. I eventually printed the ocean pictures for my friend Jen for her wedding gift (she told me she liked them so I felt like it’d make a decent gift?!?)
The start. I quickly found I didn’t know how to use the camera. Of course. So the beginning like, all things, was a little bit shaky, and the photos that happened to turn out were the lucky ones of the rolls. I have been using this camera for about 2 years now, I have significantly gotten better with snapping pictures of what I want now, but before I can share the best, I need to share the beginning.
One night at a bar in Portland I ran into a guy who was from Zurich, Switzerland. He was in the states traveling and going to school to get his Pilots license. Long story short, he ended up needing people to help pay for the instructor flights every time he practiced. So the way he did this to get to his goals was he invited people to pay a small fee and fly in a helicopter with him and his instructor. So I globed on, and flew up into the Pacific Northwest sky with my 1950’s camera and with people I didn’t know but obviously had to trust on the account of them taking my body and flying around with it.
Though these strange attempted aerial photos are blurry and unfocused they still are pretty neat to look at. Originally we were supposed to fly to the coast and back but the clouds were too low that day.
This photogenic camera was given to me when I was about 21-22, I am now just 27 and discovering the beauty that it captures. It originally was owned by my Grand-Uncle, Wilbur Nitz. My parents had given me the camera as a gift after Wilbur had passed back in April of 2011, he was 80. Although I have always been into photography growing up, film photography had never dawned on me as a past-time that I would soon to be interested in. I thought that those times for film had passed, or some dumb excuse for never getting into it when I was younger. I was wrong. The day it dawned on me that maybe this camera could still work instead of sit there in my living room for decoration and maybe bring a new light to my eye was the day everything I thought about photography changed for me. It was almost like being a re-newed library book–or maybe something more exciting than that. This was old but so new for me. I needed to know how to use it. I think the shutter was broken when I started messing with the camera, I got the thing fixed and the guy that fixed it showed me a little bit about how to use the camera. I remember him saying “You’re gunna have a lot of fun with this thing”. I’ve been toying with this camera since 2015 I believe, and now that I’m starting to shoot better with it I’m more willing to share what I’ve captured. My camera has brought me to be more interested in portraiture, somehow it’s capturing pictures of people that I couldn’t possibly ever capture with my DSLR. How beautiful it is, so here I’m starting something to share with you all. Pictures from the camera.